Who Am I and Where do I find me?

“Who are you?” A simple question asked with an incredibly quick answer. “I’m a mom, a therapist, a wife, an ex-wife, a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter”. I then proceeded to list my attributes, accomplishments and labels. Labels that were given to me at the youngest age I could remember:

Organized

Wild and feral

Stubborn

Lazy

Dramatic

Too much

Not enough

Pretty

Ugly

Funny

Determined

Focused

Scatter brained

Anxious

Neurotic

The list was endless. Over weeks and months after my divorce at 27 years old, I stared at the beige walls of my house and the lack of color in my soul, waiting for an answer. Drinking coffee out of my favourite mug, putting no more than one handful of ice in my Diet Pepsi, watching reality television, walking barefoot on my grass, looking up pictures of fairies, researching Celtic mythology, parting my hair to the left, feeling euphoric after the first snowfall, talking to my plant babies, playing hide and seek with my son, painting over the beige with bright inspiring colours, collecting cool rocks on my walks…. Then it hit me. I was not the labels, and as I started to take those labels off and discard them like the tags on clothes because they irritated my skin, I saw who I was under it all.

I like my coffee sweet so it doesn’t taste too much like coffee

I have a favourite coffee mug for each season

I don’t like my pop too watered down by ice but I like it cold

I put fairy garden figurines in my greenhouse plants

I dream of the giants in Scotland

I run my lanyard through my fingers to ground me when I’m driving, shopping, in a therapy session

I will put my fan on in the dead of winter and the heat wave of July

I own more crew neck sweaters than tank tops or tee shirts

I firmly believe in my next life I will be on broadway because I wish life was a musical

I relate most life situations with a song

I cannot sleep if my toes are not tucked in to the blanket

My favourite food is anything in a taco form or anything that can be turned into some “power bowl”

I found myself in the morning coffees, pages of books, fairy garden, number of pickles I can eat in one sitting, which size spoon I want to eat my ice cream, the songs I sing, the way I move in the rain...

When we turn our attention to the things we like, dislike and quarks about ourselves, we see the power and control we can exert over our self worth, confidence and the core of who we are.

Labels are given and taken away and if we focus on these, our sense of self becomes very shaky and dependent on how others view us. Who you are has everything to do with what you like and love, what you don’t like and the quarks you have.

The question that starts this journey: Who Are You? What do you like? What do you love? What are your dislikes? Where Do You Find Yourself?

-Rachel Freeman-